4 Ways to Be an Overnight Social Media Superstar (Be Prepared for Foul Play)

Being a writer in this day and age requires a lot more than skillfully delivering a story. I learned that the hard way when one of the sites I freelanced for abruptly ended our relationship based on the fact that despite my obvious ability as a versatile wordsmith, I was seriously lacking in the area that counts the most – bringing in the numbers. Of course part of me felt bruised, but the reasonable side of me recognized that I had been a victim of media discrimination.

My natural makeup is incapable of competing in a landscape that requires a level of vileness to survive. In order to successfully and consistently garner a following and ensure that my words gain momentum – I have to be willing to subscribe to the notion that nothing is off limits.

Twitter is by far the most favored playground for mayhem and chaos and all the other filthy unmentionables that quickly gain traction. The bloodier the matches – the more retweets, favorites, and mentions you employ.  The trolls always come out on top because no matter how politically incorrect they are – being a star for one day is worth the incoherent ignorance on display.

So, I have obviously taken the time to observe how and why tactless journalism is now the approved perquisite for future writers who want to maintain momentum and most importantly keep their jobs. You have to approach every story with a conquering spirit – and be prepared to sell your soul and a lot more in order to honor the code of what is fondly known as “click-bait”

It’s definitely not a challenging exercise finding creative ways to be playfully offensive at the expense of unsuspecting or even deceased individuals – it’s a lot easier to be an a than a principled citizen of the world.

So – if you’ve been sucked into the vacuum of hell – also generally known as social media, you might as well give into the tendencies that are already taking hold of you and become the overnight sensation you were destined to be.

Be overtly obnoxious or even better, disgusting

Make it your duty to sift through story ideas that will give you the incentive to construct headlines that either makes readers lose their appetite or question the purpose of mankind. Don’t worry – they may ponder your sanity but you will get the attention you are seeking and then some. Everyone is doing it so you might as well join the party. Salon magazine recently had a lovely piece about a subject we all know and love – “period sex”. The introductory tweet was accompanied by a pleasantly appetizing image of a woman happily doused in a “bloody state”(it was later replaced with a more sedate picture of a girl leaning over an oversized cake), with the caption: “I’m ready for people to call me offensive”. “Meet the new poster girl for period sex”. Charming. It’s almost as titillating as Gawker’s offering about “squirting orgasms”.

Again – we are now embodying a time that permits us to be callously overt about the things that used to be sacredly handled for fear of being offensive. But those days are long gone. Be as gross as you wanna be and reap an enviable amount of followers while you’re at it. Who knows – you may be invited to share your views on a morning talk show. The sky is the limit in this domain.

Develop troll-like qualities and implement them

Trolling on twitter can be full time job, mainly because the rules of engagement have made it so. You have to be energized and always ready for war. You don’t need a filter unless you become dangerously combative which in that case means you need to seek mental assistance. But you can be insultingly inappropriate towards anyone who seems like a worthy candidate, and if they are public figures – even better.  Your profile will skyrocket beyond  expectations, especially if your outlandish behavior inspires a slew of responses. In that case don’t back down – try to keep the growing audience’s attention long enough to encourage rabid editors to notice your heightened appeal. You will be amazed how many times your “interactions” will be documented, analyzed and recycled which is just the kind of exposure you need to convince followers that you are worth their unfailing loyalty.

Be a disciple of the Kardashian Kult

This is a no brainer. If you expect to stay relevant and remain the apple of your editor’s eye – you must develop and unhealthy adherence to the First Family of Filth – The Kardashians. They are America’s revered treasure and as such, they deserve the privilege of prying eyes and 24/7 coverage. Perezhilton tried in vain to initiate a period he dutifully labeled #KardashianKleanse in a last bid to rescue the lives of those who are almost beyond salvation but this valiant attempt was not a success. From CNN to BBC – Kim Kardashian’s ravenous appetite as well as a teenage Kylie Jenner’s fully blown body parts have to be on daily rotation, and the only way to standout is to find a method that sets you apart from the rest of the overpaid troublemakers. Stirring the pot while it is boiling hot is the only way to go but the key ingredients have to be added to amass the legions of samplers to your terrific banquet.

Always compromise your principles or better yet – dispose of them

Nowadays, having any hint of decorum will stifle your ambitious climb up the social ladder. This toxic environment is palpable and often times suffocating as the potent virus steams up the timelines and then hovers over users with anemic stoicism. Each and every one of us have fallen prey to this default, and while it’s happening – we are hoping for the spotlight to burn our profiles into instant recognition. Some of us get that wish – while the rest have to go back to the drawing board – to re-draft a more enticingly salacious version of what didn’t quite work before. The key words have to be logged in to evoke a sense of urgency, images have to give us reason to guiltily glare, and the subjects have to have everything to lose including their very lives. If you don’t believe me read up on the shameful editorial by a Gawker staffer that exposed the sexual exploits of a low key executive who happened to be the younger brother of the former Secretary of the Treasury – Timothy Geitner.  Scandal trumps human decency without fail – and the writers who live zealously up to this standard are employed while I am not.

I’m not bitter about the fact that I refuse to whore others and myself in the name of social media dominance. And believe me, I am no saint either. I’ve indulged in the realm of “dirty talk”, but not long enough to remain completely submerged. Maybe it’s because I have a mother who is not only my mentor but also a gloriously prolific writer -basically a relic from the old days of institutionalized journalism. Or perhaps it’s due to my reluctance to substitute my talent for conniving tags and over-bloated headlines – all in the name of that first shocking tweet that will surely be the item of the week.

The ongoing pledge to brutish journalism will have to thrive without me. I’m on a mission that will hopefully secure my ability to do what I do best without the friction of indecency – and that folks is the name of my game.