Idris Elba is James Bond. Rush Limbaugh is Dr. No: Let the Thunderball Begin!

Idris Elba will be uttering the phrase: “The name is James…James Bond”. And it’s going to happen sooner rather than later. Sure, white males can’t fathom the notion that a black man could possibly be recruited to the elite position of protecting an old white lady who walks around with a crown of jewels on her head.

Yes, to be fair, anybody assigned to be On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, presumably has to be an overindulgent white male because they are the only ones who can get away with the License to Kill and be revered for it.

But the flip switch is on now motherfuckers! The Man with the Golden Gun is not so “golden” anymore. He never really was. He was always an overhyped, homegrown assassin who fucked around while fucking up his elaborate targets. So…actually any man with a sizable dick and a physique that lends itself to the ability to demolish the bad guys can recite the code “007” before getting the job done.

Sounds like we need a polished gangster for this particular kind of work. He should be a black man – with a roster of “street” cred who sounds and looks like he can kick some major ass. Oh, but wait! We already have the white version of this proposed “suave” hottie who will Thunderball anyone or anything that gets in his way.

Daniel Craig is fulfilling his obligations quite well by rising to the occasion and surpassing most expectations. First and foremost, he is a white man – an essential requirement for an elite agent who intends to freely scour exotic locales in search of highly classified mayhem. And lastly, he is a white man. James Bond has to be white. He can’t be a black street thug with black skin and dark eyes because that would be distractingly menacing.

Strangely enough – isn’t Mr. Bond supposed to put fear in the eyes of his enemies or is he mandated to seduce then to death with his steely blue/green eyes? It seems the critics – mostly racist white males – are vehemently against a strappingly solid black man rescuing and sexually pleasuring white damsels in distress while also playing around with sophisticated gadgets, and dashing around in an Aston Martin – all in the name of justice. The thought of it makes them gag.

Well, their nightmare is about to be realized. Idris Elba will be kicking The Living Daylights out of anyone who dares to hamper his most ambitious mission yet. The delightfully poetic task will involve our now “revamped” Bond to dutifully give Dr. No, a villain with pasty white skin and a fiery venomous mouth, played to perfection by veteran asshole, Rush Limbaugh – A View to a Kill. This will be a drastic warning to Dr. No that the rules have changed which means spewing out bigotry will no longer be tolerated unless you intend to Skyfall off a very high building.

But even after delivering this statement of impending doom, our very “black “and very “street” James Bond has to take measures to protect his identity as The Man with the Golden Gun, because he is not only in hiding but he is also now an American citizen with a British accent.

This would normally be an ideal disposition but unfortunately he is a black man. Black men in America with or without a gun are recreationally murdered. So in order to escape the “Men in Blue “ to ensure that he is guaranteed to Die and Another Day, he has to use his Goldfinger for the sole purpose of dismantling the Quantum – the organization responsible for unspeakable crimes against the dark people.

This black James Bond vows to provide lasting Solace to a population that has been systematically tormented beyond reason. The assignment is a brutal exercise in discipline and despite the fuckery he encounters in various forms including toying with the poisonous tentacles of a vile woman known as Octopussy played by an impressive performer who is known for her overnight success on the stage of bullshit – Sarah Palin – our very black and very bold super agent in the form of the uber talented Idris Elba continues to persevere. Proving beyond a doubt that Tomorrow Never Dies. 

But after he retrieves the GoldenEye with his Goldfinger, which is the weapon that will allow the black people to once and for all reclaim world dominion – he is captured by Spectre, an overgrown flesh-eating mammal who was once human but underwent a transformation due to the manipulation of dollars and cents. The casting for this role was quick and brilliant. Moneybags entrepreneur – Donald Trump willing accepted.

But in the game of black versus white – The World Is Not Enough as the body count rises and disharmony plunges the tormented into a feverish need to Live and Let Die.

Despite the platinum upheaval – our magnificent Black Bond played with acute precision under the guidance of “M” – the head of this operatic operation – a man with infinite experience with this kind of stuff – the very black and very capable Steve McQueen will shatter box office records and make Ian Fleming shiver in his grave.

And it will be For Your Eyes Only.